i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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