weddingsv make me drug and hornr
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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