We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
