and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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