Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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