cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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