I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
