There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
