He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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