Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
