Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
