Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
