yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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