Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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