Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
