So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
