Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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