I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
