i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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