If i could tip my vagina, i would.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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