Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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