note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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