is your mom at the bar?
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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