i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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