i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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