Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
