I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I am naked and annoyed.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
