I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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