so explain again why im purple
no
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
