btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
