I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
