You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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