I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
