insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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