Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize