I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
