I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
