Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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