i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
