i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize