I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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