it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
