I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You're a waste of cheezeits
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
