If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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