I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
