definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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