I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
