No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize