You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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