please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
