Only a mothe r could love this liver
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
