i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
