There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
