You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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