Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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