It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
