Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
