I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
