All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
