this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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