I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
