What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
