Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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