The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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