She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
